The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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