This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
