Cold hands, warm shart.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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