Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I've blown a few things in my day
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
