i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
