He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
