Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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