Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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