like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
