I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
