I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
