I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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