This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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