She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
