guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
