First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
