I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
