i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it