My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
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hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
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I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.