My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
