i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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