if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
