to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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