I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
