my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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