I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
