We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
