I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We need a shit load of segways right now
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
