She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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