Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
