ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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