I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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