You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
