Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
