my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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