ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
