the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
