It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
