I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
