My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
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I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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