Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
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For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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