The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
