Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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