There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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