OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
