No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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