Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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