The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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