watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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