I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
