Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
