So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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