Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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