Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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