When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
