Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
