What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
