kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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