Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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