when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
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Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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