My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
