if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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