We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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