Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
