you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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