I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
